In my ah ma's ward

Im in my ah ma’s ward. Writing this post in MS Word. Tonight I had volunteered to stay over and take care of ah ma over night. Well…not really la. Im going to sleep. And that worries me. Because I’m quite a heavy sleeper. Oh well…hope im not such a block head.
These days since my ah ma was admitted to hospital I have been thinking. In the past, gua ma also got admitted into NUH. Why I never make the time out of my “busy” schedule to visit? Maybe I have taken her for granted. Putting my studies first. Telling myself that there will be time when I go work. When I am through with SOC and all its time-consuming projects. There will be time. Just that my gua ma couldn’t wait that long. And now I have decided not to make the same mistake twice. Moreover I’m the eldest grandson. In the Chinese sense. My elder cousins by my auntie don’t count.
Both of my grandmas brought me up. They were there always during my younger days. Both of my parents work till late everyday and my siblings and I were all brought up by ah ma. Sometimes we will go gua ma there to play with our cousins. Ah ma was about 60 then. Still healthy. In fact mama now also 50+. Time flies.
When I think back…so little comes back. Little bits and flashes… I remember a time when I came back and was eating Maggi mee. Gong gong was there with ah ma. I don’t remember much about gong gong. Just his angpao full of coins. I can’t remember how he sounded like anymore. He left when I was 8. The first funeral that I have experienced or I could remember. He spent some of his last days at home with a oxygen tank to help him breathe. I can’t remember how he sounded like..just a very deep and hollow sound comes to my head when I try to recall. Something like what Treebeard sound like in Lord of the Rings. My papa keeps telling me gong gong’s last words to me. “要自爱” …. I will always remember ah ma crying out “老阿伯” as she staggered foward to see gong gong one last time during his funeral.
Do I want to live long? I would say yes. I want to see what my descendants would be like. I want to see them succeed and lead good lives. But the curse of being long-lived is to see your loved ones leave this world. Geck always says she want to live up to 60 and not anymore. And that I must be with her all the way. Means I must stay healthy! Argh….seems abit hard to do…tsk…hahaha… So that I may live long enough to be with Geck till the last moment.
Now the only thing that I am wondering is…what should I do…what must I do to be filial grandson. How do you balance work, family and friends?
I try my best.

My ah ma went into hospital on thursday night.

Today I went to visit her. She say she got this green band on her hand because she got risk of falling so cannot walk.

She tell us that its the wrong colour. Green means can walk. Red then cannot. Must tell the doctor.

My ah ma is always like to tell jokes. I think i got my lameness from her.

My Niece

A Testimony by my Brother

~Story-Prologue~
Alone from Teonan you came, from a little known part of China
Thousands of miles away from home, In search of a better life
Sailing the South China Sea, to join your husband here
Although he cheated on you, you kept faithful still
Bore him four sons and a daughter, which grew up strong and tall
You gave your life for their ... Read Morewellbeing, you sacrificed our youth
Hoping for that day, they’ll all make their mark
Hoping for that day, your off springs will make you proud

~Memories~

I don... Read More’t feel like sleeping I said, but with a smile she’ll always say
Close your eyes my boy and your dreams will take you there
Kind to me she was, Patient and supportive
Mischievous though I may be, she’ll never raise her voice
Although I was rude, never have I got beaten
Every first month of the year, besides reunion dinners
The next thing I long to do, Is to visit your place
For curry and cash wrapped in a pack
Every year I see her face, in a loving voice she’ll always say
Chiang, work hard ok?
And make your parents proud
Go to the best school, and make the world your footstool
My response is always the same; I’ll convince her that I will
When I tried to do my best, yet there’s a always “THE NEXT DAY”

~The Arm In Troubled Waters~

There are always times, our family lived lack
Although we should give, but from you we always received
Loans and blessings and even gifts, you never fail to give
Like the calm after the raging seas, your providence is the assurance
I may never know everything, but this thing I know
You have given us everything, a life... Read More, comfort and a soul
Given us so much amah, yet we gave only little to you
From birth, youth and even old age, your love will never change
From your heart it just kept flowing, your sacrifice it kept us going

~Rise and Fall~

Many years have passed, since you set foot here
Age got the better of you, And time have took its toll
A weakened spirit and an ailing body, and still you carried on
Never given up, Never given in
Despite your age, a fighter you always were
However steady you may be, Age still got a hold
The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak... Read More, the spirit fights but the flesh gives in
It all started with a fall, which has left you unable to walk
In the ward you silently lay, wondering if it is the last of days
At first we were worried, but then we understood
It’s just a fractured bone they say, our worries went away
Even with a peace of mind, your heart is filled fear
Why are you in this hospital? We always try to tell
Even while we screamed and yelled, your blocked ear worked really well

~Tragedy~

It was 1pm, the time my service end
I was greeted by the news, the one I dread the most
The moment I read the message, my mind was in a mess
Less than 24hours to live, And I wondered what happens if
I rushed down on a cab, Can... Read More’t put it on any tab
There I saw your face, Alive but not awake
I stood there trying to resist death; you laid there with a struggling breath
The moment your heart stopped beating, despite the verdict I tried
Hoping that you’ll open your eyes, I tried touching, rubbing and calling
But the fact’s that you have died

~Regret~

At first I visited often, Once or twice I did
When my work started to catch up, my mind I... Read More’ve never make up
There’s time there always will, “She’ll be ok” my mind assumed.
Mum always visits now and then, invited me to tag along
Too busy I was, too tired I am, that I would always say
There’s always time there always will, my mind will always assume
On the day I finally decide, to drop by and say hi
I was greeted by grave news, and I rushed to be by your side
There you lay struggling, Breathing your dying breath
Thought you’re technically alive, But your conscience have went away
I prayed for you, I swear I did, But it was not enough
The last thing I would ever expect to know
The last time you saw me was months ago
And how would I ever expect, that was the last time you’ll ever see me
Now that I’m here again, your life is fading away
I’m sorry amah I really am, oh the guilt and the shame
Why didn’t I chose to visit, when I know that I still can

Now that I... Read More’m finally here, the time for you is near
On that thought I burst to tears, Regretful and apologetic
Realizing that I have forsaken, whose life to me she’ve given.

~Epilogue~

To him that mourn let him not forget
To cherish those around or regret
Never put your family below your personal gains
Cos you never know if you’ll ever see them again

This Testimony is dedicated to Tan Siok Hiang

Departed peacefully 12 October 2008

Aged 87

In loving memories and honor of one of the greatest grandmother that have ever lived.

Although your name will fade with time
It will stay in our heart
Although your name will die with us
Through this post amah, be immortalized

Love,

Ze Chen

I wrote the following shortly after my grandma's demise.. because I wanted something to remember the last three hours of my grandma's life.

12 OCT
This morning I woke up with my sister shouting at us," Sueh Gim say ah ma only left with 24 hours". I was shocked... with a bit of disbelief. Is this really it? I don't know. I saw my grandma on the bed. Motionless, except for the tilting of her head when she grasped for air. Lying there on a lovely Sunday afternoon. My brother was sobbing. Soaking the surgical mask that covered his mouth. My mother was holding my grandmother's hand. Rubbing it, hoping for some kind of response. "昨天她还有一点反应。" My mom's voice broke mid sentence. There was no response. Her feet were swollen. The monitor beside her, shown her vital signs.. her heart beat..and blood pressure and many other figures and graphs that I did not understand. Her heartbeat rate averaged at 98. Almost everyone went for lunch. I stayed behind as I had mine. I don't know what to do. Talk? To hold her hand? I choose the latter, as I couldn't speak my dialect fluently. I felt like saying, "Don't give up yet." But I guess its just selfish to do so. Soon everyone came back. All of us crowded around her bed. Standing with a solemn expression upon our faces. I can't tell what is on everyone's mind. The sugical masks that covered our faces din't help. Al the while I was thinking, are we supposed to talk to her, to encourage her to come back? I don't know. Seems like that only happens in drama serials. And suddenly her heartbeat started to fall steadily. Her heartbeat ave at 90. Then 80. Then 60. Finally it was at 20. Her heartbeat was so slow and weak that the equipment can't register the heartbeat rate at times. Many of us started to tear and a few sobs could be heard. I looked at my cousins. Simyee was crying softly with her husband, Cedric, beside her, comforting her. Yahong and Sheryl was crying. At this point, my younger sister have arrived, sobbing loudly, joining our cousins. Yiyang stood there expressionless. Just like me. But I know it must have hurt more for him. At least I felt that he cared for grandma more than I did. The doctor came and after a short examination, told us that it was her final stage. We can only make her as comfortable as possible. Thus, we continued our virgil beside her bed. Waiting for the inevitable. I found myself staring at the monitor. Looking at it plot my grandma's heartbeat. Seeing the peaks go flatter and flatter. Yiyang went into the room and looked hard at Ah ma. He then went forward and squeeze Ah ma's right shoulder, and left the room hurridly. Finally, a few minutes before 4, her heart stopped completely. I took out my phone and messaged Geck "My grandma has left."

--------------------------------

I keep telling myself that grandma had a good life and she had so many of us. All filial to her. Loving her. She can leave with no regrets and go happy. But just like the rest of us...I hope she would have lived a bit longer, so that I may do a bit more before she leave.

Ah ma byebye.

My Niece

My niece is about 3 months old. She is very cute. So I put pictures of her here.