I wrote the following shortly after my grandma's demise.. because I wanted something to remember the last three hours of my grandma's life.

12 OCT
This morning I woke up with my sister shouting at us," Sueh Gim say ah ma only left with 24 hours". I was shocked... with a bit of disbelief. Is this really it? I don't know. I saw my grandma on the bed. Motionless, except for the tilting of her head when she grasped for air. Lying there on a lovely Sunday afternoon. My brother was sobbing. Soaking the surgical mask that covered his mouth. My mother was holding my grandmother's hand. Rubbing it, hoping for some kind of response. "昨天她还有一点反应。" My mom's voice broke mid sentence. There was no response. Her feet were swollen. The monitor beside her, shown her vital signs.. her heart beat..and blood pressure and many other figures and graphs that I did not understand. Her heartbeat rate averaged at 98. Almost everyone went for lunch. I stayed behind as I had mine. I don't know what to do. Talk? To hold her hand? I choose the latter, as I couldn't speak my dialect fluently. I felt like saying, "Don't give up yet." But I guess its just selfish to do so. Soon everyone came back. All of us crowded around her bed. Standing with a solemn expression upon our faces. I can't tell what is on everyone's mind. The sugical masks that covered our faces din't help. Al the while I was thinking, are we supposed to talk to her, to encourage her to come back? I don't know. Seems like that only happens in drama serials. And suddenly her heartbeat started to fall steadily. Her heartbeat ave at 90. Then 80. Then 60. Finally it was at 20. Her heartbeat was so slow and weak that the equipment can't register the heartbeat rate at times. Many of us started to tear and a few sobs could be heard. I looked at my cousins. Simyee was crying softly with her husband, Cedric, beside her, comforting her. Yahong and Sheryl was crying. At this point, my younger sister have arrived, sobbing loudly, joining our cousins. Yiyang stood there expressionless. Just like me. But I know it must have hurt more for him. At least I felt that he cared for grandma more than I did. The doctor came and after a short examination, told us that it was her final stage. We can only make her as comfortable as possible. Thus, we continued our virgil beside her bed. Waiting for the inevitable. I found myself staring at the monitor. Looking at it plot my grandma's heartbeat. Seeing the peaks go flatter and flatter. Yiyang went into the room and looked hard at Ah ma. He then went forward and squeeze Ah ma's right shoulder, and left the room hurridly. Finally, a few minutes before 4, her heart stopped completely. I took out my phone and messaged Geck "My grandma has left."

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I keep telling myself that grandma had a good life and she had so many of us. All filial to her. Loving her. She can leave with no regrets and go happy. But just like the rest of us...I hope she would have lived a bit longer, so that I may do a bit more before she leave.

Ah ma byebye.