Im in my ah ma’s ward. Writing this post in MS Word. Tonight I had volunteered to stay over and take care of ah ma over night. Well…not really la. Im going to sleep. And that worries me. Because I’m quite a heavy sleeper. Oh well…hope im not such a block head.
These days since my ah ma was admitted to hospital I have been thinking. In the past, gua ma also got admitted into NUH. Why I never make the time out of my “busy” schedule to visit? Maybe I have taken her for granted. Putting my studies first. Telling myself that there will be time when I go work. When I am through with SOC and all its time-consuming projects. There will be time. Just that my gua ma couldn’t wait that long. And now I have decided not to make the same mistake twice. Moreover I’m the eldest grandson. In the Chinese sense. My elder cousins by my auntie don’t count.
Both of my grandmas brought me up. They were there always during my younger days. Both of my parents work till late everyday and my siblings and I were all brought up by ah ma. Sometimes we will go gua ma there to play with our cousins. Ah ma was about 60 then. Still healthy. In fact mama now also 50+. Time flies.
When I think back…so little comes back. Little bits and flashes… I remember a time when I came back and was eating Maggi mee. Gong gong was there with ah ma. I don’t remember much about gong gong. Just his angpao full of coins. I can’t remember how he sounded like anymore. He left when I was 8. The first funeral that I have experienced or I could remember. He spent some of his last days at home with a oxygen tank to help him breathe. I can’t remember how he sounded like..just a very deep and hollow sound comes to my head when I try to recall. Something like what Treebeard sound like in Lord of the Rings. My papa keeps telling me gong gong’s last words to me. “要自爱” …. I will always remember ah ma crying out “老阿伯” as she staggered foward to see gong gong one last time during his funeral.
Do I want to live long? I would say yes. I want to see what my descendants would be like. I want to see them succeed and lead good lives. But the curse of being long-lived is to see your loved ones leave this world. Geck always says she want to live up to 60 and not anymore. And that I must be with her all the way. Means I must stay healthy! Argh….seems abit hard to do…tsk…hahaha… So that I may live long enough to be with Geck till the last moment.
Now the only thing that I am wondering is…what should I do…what must I do to be filial grandson. How do you balance work, family and friends?
I try my best.
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hey... i can understand the dilemma you feel, because i feel the same way too.
my maternal grandma lives in jurong east st 21 and many times, i want to visit her since i live on campus. alas, i've been in NUS for more than three years but never once did i take time off to drop by her house. sometimes she's ill but i never went to visit as i was busy with schoolwork. i feel ashamed as she's my only surviving grandparent, yet i couldn't even set some time for her.
like you, i kept thinking that i would have more time to do what i want to do and care for the people who are dear to me once i graduate and start working.
somehow i have this crazy idea that school life is very restrictive (i.e. need to work hard to get good grades, and that more often than not our weekends are burnt as we need to study/do assignments). whereas working life entails thinking on the spot and not so much of studying hard, plus weekends should be pretty free unless you bring work home. hence i deduced that working life would mean more free time. but then, your post made me realise that time and tide wait for no man... if we procrastinate too much, chances are that we will not get to do the things we want to do but keep postponing.
thanks for your comment on my blog post =) i've been thinking a lot the past few days and realised that my viewpoint on studies and life is shallow. many times i forgo things because of studies, but at the end of the day, is it really worth it? studies aren't the only thing in our lives, yet many of us focus so much on it because of singapore's competitive society. when i was in canada, people weren't so hung up over studies. i guess it's the singaporean, or some say, the east asian culture. chinese, japanese and korean students are very studies-oriented too!
i've come to a conclusion: studies are important, but we should never allow it to take centerstage in our lives nor allow it to consume us so much that we become upset and lose our true selves. to be honest, i'm not quite myself this sem. i'm now more withdrawn, more moody, less confident of myself. thus i'm working hard to get out of this and regain my cheerful, optimistic old self.
take care tat! all the best! you are a good grandson =)
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